I have had several meltdowns lately. Not a personal emotional meltdown like it was the end of the world. No, I had bombastic angry meltdowns about work. I guess I needed to vent, but the way I did it was disgusting, over-the-top and utterly inappropriate. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why don't I feel these things coming so I can divert them? Do I hold so much in that when I loosen the release valve I just explode? That's not right!
The frustration with work stems from people not doing their jobs. I don't understand how an adult can take a job and then not want to do it. It is an agreement! Employee does x, y & z tasks and will receive X compensation for doing so. Hopefully they will be motivated to do a good job because a job well done is reward in itself. I am finding that most employees need to be reminded of the same things over and over again, that even though they signed an agreement with their responsibilities listed and have a copy of them, and have access to a binder with them at all times, they still act like it is news when they are asked to do something that they should be doing in the first place. It pisses me off. If I had to be reminded of the same things over and over then I would fire myself! I am sick of people not being held accountable and I am really sick of everyone's thin skins. I get in trouble for "having a tone" in my voice because I am frustrated at having to tell them what to do again and again and AGAIN, while they get a pass for not doing their jobs. What the fuck? It just doesn't seem right. Why must everyone be coddled these days? I have the worse self esteem there is, but that makes me work harder and want to do more because I'm so afraid whatever I do is not good enough. Kids today have all kinds of self esteem, but no work ethic at all. It's upside down.
Studies show that inflated self-esteem is not a factor in success. Check out this episode of Penn & Teller's Bullshit!
There seems to be a churning inside me which usually means I am on the precipice of change. There are things about myself that I have been facing in increments for some time and there has been effort put forth into changing these things but it doesn't seem to stick. I need it to stick. I'm in my 50's and I feel unprepared for life, balancing on a thread, barely keeping my life together and most definitely not the captain of my own ship. I am a perpetual adolescent. When will that end so I can become an adult and take control? Is that even possible at my age?
Intellectually and emotionally I understand what I have said before in this blog, that I am the only one stopping me. I want to overcome my own inertia and I think I know what I have to do and it's going to take force! I need to force myself to do things differently every day until new habits are formed. That's about 21 - 30 days to reprogram the brain. I have 28 days until I go home for vacation. I am going to make three changes during this time:
1 - I am going to move my body. That not only means workouts, but walking the dog and cleaning the house. This will require me to get up earlier and to go to bed a bit earlier. I can do that. Right? I must FORCE myself to do it whether I feel like it or not. The benefits of doing this will be: increased energy, reduced stress, weight loss, feelings of self discipline, feelings of self control.
2 - I am going to read and write more. There are so many time I stop myself from writing. Why do I do that? It's ridiculous. This will require me to limit time on facebook in the evenings after work. The more specific goals will be to finish reading two books and to write a minimum of two chapters on my book and a minimum of four pieces for my other blog on top of whatever I write on this one as I go through all of this. The benefits of doing this will be to become more focused and to make progress toward finishing writing my book which has been in process for over 10 years.
3 - I will be more generally productive and make substantial progress on two projects that are looming over me which I have been avoiding like the plague. I will 1- scan the family pictures so that they are uploaded to my photo sharing site before the family reunion and 2 - File the papers in my office which have been piling up for several years. The benefits of this will be to bring joy to my family through the sharing of old photographs and to get organized so can actually clean and eventually use my office again.
This process was begun today. I did come cleaning that I had been putting off which got my heart rate up and some sweat flowing. It will continue after I publish this blog as I head to bed to read rather than wasting time on facebook. Here I go...
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