A question I have for myself is what do I get from maintaining this rotund figure? Obviously the rewards are greater than the pain of change, but what are the rewards? Is it simply that I can't see myself any other way; or that it keeps me from having to live up to my potential; or that it protects me from becoming out of control sexually; or that it is a physical barrier metaphorically protecting me from outside sources of pain? I truly have no clue. None of them seem to fit as the correct answer. Perhaps it is something still completely unconscious. But what?
I really thought I was onto something last year when I faced the pain of having been ridiculed as a child for being fat. I look back at pictures of me as a child however and there is no fat girl there. I was pretty normal looking actually. The name-calling and barrage of taunts however caused me to feel huge and believe I was huge inside my head. I seem to have ever afterward created and maintained an actual image of how I felt back then. Why can't I let it go? How do others let these types of things go? How do you?
How can I be in my 50's and still have unanswered questions about who I am? Isn't that a little ridiculous? Perhaps it is because when it comes to defining myself I have been left completely to my own devices. Having no children to help define me as a parent or even an adult leaves me open to the world and all it has to offer. That, in many ways keeps me just a little bit overwhelmed. I am both self-loathing and arrogant. I am nothing and yet think I am right more than others. I am both comfortable and agonizingly hateful in my own skin. I judge myself harshly on a daily, if not hourly basis. I am never good enough. Do others treat themselves this way? Am I unique or mundane? Why do I find it so much easier to believe bad things about myself than good? Will I ever get over it?
I wish I could try on thin for a week and walk around in a body closer to what I want, not perfection, just proportionate. What would it be like to walk into a store and wear the most popular size of truly fashionable clothing? What would it be like to exist in a crowd and not feel like I must make myself as small as possible? What would it be like to go out with friends and not be the token fat chick? I want to experience these things and learn if I can cope with them or if I would retreat back into my fat layer.
Sometimes I look at normal sized people and I see them behaving so normally and they don't seem to be perpetually worried about their bodies or the amount of space they take up. They come with problems of every variety and one thing for sure is that just because they are thin does not mean they are smart or rational or have their lives in order. Those things happen at every weight from what I have seen. So where does this fear come from when I look at others and say, "I can handle that better than they can!" and yet stop myself from doing the hard work necessary to lose this damn weight. Am I afraid that my weight is what keeps me logical, rational and malleable? Am I afraid that I would be so awesome if I were thin too that my life would take on new energy and direction? Am I afraid to achieve and succeed? Yes. That one feels like piece of the puzzle that is me. Sometimes I believe that I could be successful at anything I put my mind to, if only I were thin; that somehow then I would deserve it. I certainly don't now! Why do I think that my patterns of behavior would be so markedly different or that I would suddenly become the queen of self-discipline if only I were 80 lbs lighter? Wouldn't that self discipline horse have to come before the cart?
I am sick and tired of trying to figure this out; sick and tired of being fat and lazy and mean. I've been beating this dead horse for decades. How do I fix it? How do I fix me?
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