I can be inspired by so many things and take them in and spew them out to inspire others, but I have not been able to figure out what actually motivates me in my more than 50 years of life. Inspiration gives me the desire. Motivation would give me the will. So where the hell is my motivation?
Here is what I've figured about myself and motivation: I am motivated by doing things for others. I'm motivated at work because it's for someone else, some greater cause, something upon which I am counted on for my piece of a whole. I'm motivated in school situations because it's a bit competitive but mostly it's because I get high on learning new things. Doing it for myself? Pfft! I'm simply not worth the effort. Therefore, when it comes to weight and getting rid of fat there are some irrational factors that come into play, which is why weight loss is not such a simple thing.
My weight is armor of some sort. I know rationally that it protects me from nothing. I still feel pain, get bruised and have my feelings hurt. I used to think it protected me from both being overwhelmed by my own sexuality AND from being rejected sexually. Well neither one of those is true either. I can get it when I want it and I can be rejected too. It makes now sense that I know these truths and yet still behave as though I don't know them.
Then there's the self hatred. In some weird way I am comfortable hating myself. I take every mistake, every harsh word, every extra mouthful and I beat myself with them to prove that I am loathsome. To whom I proving this? It certainly isn't to prove it to my family and friends because they give me all sorts of reasons as to why I am lovable. Some of them even believe me to be admirable. I keep thinking, "If they only knew what I knew, they wouldn't think so highly of me." Guess what? They know because I am open and truthful about myself: the difference is they do not judge me so harshly for all my misgivings. They support me through them.
A few weeks ago I was beating myself up for hurting everyone around me. I was emotional, irrational and downright depressed. This winter is killing me with all its snow and darkness and now it's the worst weather of all 45 and raining. Utterly dismal. Yet here we are. Anyway, in response to my self flagellation my cousin said something to me that I use on my friends all the time when they are down on themselves. I ask them to reverse the roles and tell me what advice they would give me in the same situation. I actually wait for them to tell me. They don't get to keep it all in their heads. Once they say it out loud, I look at them and give it back to them and remind them to be their own best friend. Why can't I take my own advice? That my friends is the $64,000 question!
So how am I going to motivate myself to start this quest and to keep going. I don't know. Perhaps I just need to force myself to do it and keep doing for long enough that it becomes habit. Perhaps losing the weight will keep me motivated to keep going. What I am hoping is that a future event to which I am looking forward will keep me on my course. It's a family reunion and there should be lots of people there whom I have not seen in far too long. I don't want to be a big fat blob when I go. I want to be a shapely, confident woman. Is that to much to ask? Time will tell.
Next up: The crazy-ass plan
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