Total Eclipse of the Self

Total Lunar Eclipse on April 15, 2014 

     This winter of 2013-2014 has been rough.  It has been rough because of the months of relentless snow. It has been rough because of the weeks of frigid temperatures. It has been rough because of its protracted invasion into the spring months. Mostly it has been rough because all of those things combined are pretty close to a perfect storm for the denigration of the emotional life of this one middle aged woman. It is bad enough when the days are short and sunlight is on vacation in the southern hemisphere, the green is gone and nature becomes a sea of drab in hues of gray and brown, but when you add in all of those other factors it becomes downright depressing. The desire to remain inside hunkered down with all the drapes shut and barely a light on was impossible to escape and to which it was far too easy to succumb; and succumb I did, sinking into the abyss.
     When one gives in to the dismal, especially an introspective and contemplative one, all thoughts lead to one place: self loathing.  What you might ask do I have to loathe?  Oh, whether real or imagined, I have a list constantly at the ready from which to berate myself with ferocity of a magnitude I would never dare unleash on another being. It is an all-encompassing hatred for every mistake, every hurtful word ever uttered, every misstep, failure and absolutely every mildly questionable or clearly bad decision ever made. That is my inner life.  It always has been, but during a winter like this one, it is magnified, intensified and intractable. Here are some of the items from my list currently in play:
     1) I am a failure at relationships. I don't mean friendships or family. Those are fine.  I mean the loving, romantic, life-partner relationships.  I'm divorced from a marriage that was wrong from the start, but I was so eager to be married and not ever have to worry about finding someone again that I walked down the aisle with my first boyfriend. There was a palpable fear that it was my only chance. Well guess what?  That's no reason to marry someone. I was not conscious of all of that then, but it all makes sense now.  Then the next relationship was based on filling the gaps form the marriage and trying to be a savior for both father and son. You guessed it, that didn't work out so well either. The third one was amazing on every level except one: he was married. He got caught and I was expendable and that time I got my heart broken big time. That ended five years ago and there's been no relationship since. Having a loving relationship, a partner is the only thing I have ever wanted and yet here I sit, and write alone.
     2) I am a failure at being a homo sapien because I was so bad at relationships (see #1 above) that I squandered my childbearing years and have not passed on my genes to an offspring. That was the second most desired goal for my life; to be a mother, and it will never happen.
     3) I am a failure at finances.  I don't like money, in fact it frightens me because I don't know how to deal with it in any way. There is no understanding.  I do what I can do, but it's not pretty.
     4) The FAT. It is everywhere and seems impossible to get on top of the issue. When I was 14 I weighed 140 pounds and thought I was a hideously grotesque blubber beast. I wasn't and I know that because there is photographic evidence to the contrary. However at 53 I can say that I have become what I believed I already was at 14. Then there is the fact that I worked so hard last spring and summer to lose weight, felt so good about my accomplishment and wanted it to continue and be permanent but when I hate myself most, I eat more. I eat when I'm hungry, when I'm full, when I'm depressed, elated, happy, stressed; it really doesn't matter. I eat to prove the bullies right, to prove that I am loathsome, and to keep me from showing my wounds and vulnerability through the fat.   The more I eat the more in reinforces the hatred and to prove that I should be hated I eat more and gain more weight.  So now, I have gained every single one of the 40 pounds lost and I find myself at the beginning again for the nth time. 
     The FAT is the issue I want to deal with first on this blog. It's time to take this thing out of the closet where I can see it in the day light in all its repugnant glory. That's why my photo from the lunar eclipse is up there: my fat, like the earth's shadow on the moon, has eclipsed my real self. The only difference is that I am eclipsed by adipose and the lunar eclipse lasted only a few hours while my personal eclipse has lasted decades. Do I dare allow the shadow to move on?  We will find out together.