Now I could go on about how this dental infection has sidelined me and that the Vicodin makes me loopy, but those are just excuses like everything else. There's something else that's deeper and I know how to make it surface: by doing my plan and facing whatever emotions come up as I lose the weight. It's the only way the real issue will rear its ugly head. I've faced many of my demons in the past. What is it with this one that makes it so especially daunting?
Since this has become more of a diary than anything else, I'm just going to let loose:
I need to break free from this notion and feeling that I am not worth the effort just for myself. If I could save someone else's life by losing weight it would be much easier. It would really matter then. But just for me? Meh! Who cares. The bizarre part is that I would tell anyone else that they have to take care of themselves first so that they are there for others. Why can't i take my own advice? This is and always has been a mystery to me. I can help others through things big and small, but I stop myself. It is driving me crazy more and more that I am the way I am. Not just the fat but this whole motivation thing and that I don't live or work to my potential, that I stop myself from doing great things. That's fucked up! That means that I'm fucked up!
Now you don't have to tell me that nobody is normal because I am the queen of spouting that shit and it is completely true and factual. Normal is a description of statistics. We are all on a continuum. Like it or not it's a bell curve and most of us reside close to the middle and not in the extremes. I am functional in most areas of life. I excel in some of them but mostly adequate would be the best descriptor. In fact many people see me as well adjusted an all put together. That is partly true. Perhaps that is just the part that I show the world. Don't we all hide facets of ourselves about which we are ashamed or don't understand?
I don't know where all of this is going but those are my thoughts of the day.
I need to break free from this notion and feeling that I am not worth the effort just for myself. If I could save someone else's life by losing weight it would be much easier. It would really matter then. But just for me? Meh! Who cares. The bizarre part is that I would tell anyone else that they have to take care of themselves first so that they are there for others. Why can't i take my own advice? This is and always has been a mystery to me. I can help others through things big and small, but I stop myself. It is driving me crazy more and more that I am the way I am. Not just the fat but this whole motivation thing and that I don't live or work to my potential, that I stop myself from doing great things. That's fucked up! That means that I'm fucked up!
Now you don't have to tell me that nobody is normal because I am the queen of spouting that shit and it is completely true and factual. Normal is a description of statistics. We are all on a continuum. Like it or not it's a bell curve and most of us reside close to the middle and not in the extremes. I am functional in most areas of life. I excel in some of them but mostly adequate would be the best descriptor. In fact many people see me as well adjusted an all put together. That is partly true. Perhaps that is just the part that I show the world. Don't we all hide facets of ourselves about which we are ashamed or don't understand?
I don't know where all of this is going but those are my thoughts of the day.
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