This is the last day of my first week toward my goal and it was almost a complete failure. I didn't keep track of calorie intake, nor did I exercise even once, my house is still a mess to facilitate the exercise and I went out far too much. I did however sort of watch what I ate. We'll see what happens tomorrow morning on the scale. I'm not hopeful.
Sabotaging myself is something I have been doing for as long as I can remember. I get this feeling inside that tells me I have the potential to do something great. Sometimes I can even see myself doing it. Then there comes a moment when I stop it. I feel compelled to move forward and I stop myself from doing what I should do to achieve. This has happened with my lifelong struggle with weight too. Every time I get myself on track and start losing the weight and feel like I can actually get to my goal, I screw it up and just stop putting the effort into achieving it. In fact I have been known to do an about face and start gaining weight quite quickly. Even when I have gotten rid of every piece of fat clothing along the way, I start to head back up the scale and then of course the self-loathing continues and strengthens.
It's not just with weight either. It's with my other blog. I have these great thoughts for op-ed pieces that I feel great motivation to write and then I allow myself to get distracted or even force myself into distraction rather than being productive. Then there's my book. I've written a big chunk of a book but have never finished it. I stop myself from working on it because I believe it could really sell and that is not from arrogance it's from showing pieces of it to different people and getting input and also because of the success of the Fifty Shades of Gray series. I have read excerpts from the series and am already confident that my writing is better both technically and also in realism.
My weight is tied into all other areas of self-sabotage because to me it is the hub of my neurosis. If I were to succeed in losing the weight and maintaining the loss, then I would be obligated to finish everything else too and to accept whatever consequences that came with those completions. I would be responsible for the projects and then would be responsible for everything else in my life. Now I know I am actually responsible for everything in my life as it is, but there would be a difference, though I cannot describe what that might be except maybe that it would force me to finally grow up.
It would mean that I would have to truly own the fact that I control the outcome of my life, that I alone hold myself back. Intellectually I know that has always been the case but emotionally it paralyzes me and is terrifying. So my biggest hurdle is to figure out what will motivate me to succeed that is stronger than my fear to actually succeed and simultaneously work through this issue of accepting total responsibility and therefore my own fate. Any ideas?
Next: A real start after the false start
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